Fear, it can feel so debilitating or overwhelming, creating avoidance in our lives. There are times when fear and avoidance is good. It keeps us from getting hurt in some way (e.g., stepping in front of a moving vehicle), physically or mentally. And then there are those situations when avoidance can be debilitating and we need to do the thing we are afraid anyway.
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Take for example a conflict at work or in your family. Someone has spoken something to a third party that is either not true or negative, without benefit to anyone and likely hurtful consequences to someone. Addressing a situation like this could be very scary for some people. In other words, addressing conflict=BAD. And yet, leaving this situation unaddressed is very likely more hurtful to everyone involved. It is negative and only lowers the energy of those that are affected and even beyond.
Stepping up and facing into our fears (versus avoiding) in these situations can turn the fear into positive influence, such as re-establishing integrity, building trust, reducing negative influences and developing the courage to take of ourselves. There are many other examples we could mention in the home or at work. It is about facing into the fear that is tide to doing what is right, not what is easy.
Here are 5 steps to make it easier to address situations you may be avoiding.
1. Stop and be willing to acknowledge and be in integrity with your fear.
2. Look to see if you have made up a story about the situation that is making the fear bigger than it needs to be (e.g., she will just turn me down if I ask her out…I am not good enough for her…she is so much better looking than me, etc., etc.,).
3. Now remove the story from the situation. Look at the facts of the situation.
4. Ask yourself how might I feel about myself if I don’t step into and through my fear. If you are honest you will see you would likely feel less confident, less secure, less than, etc.
5. Now ask yourself how you might feel if you do step into your fear and this situation. Again, if you are honest with yourself you will acknowledge that you might feel more self respect, more confident, more capable, etc.
Although this is not a step, it is one of the most important things I can share with you regarding this process. There is no failure.
Regardless of what you choose to do, it is only information. Do it, don’t do it, do it and it feels hard or gets messy. These are all outcomes that we can learn from – versus judging ourselves as good or bad. Keep this in mind, it is a powerful principle in life’s journey.
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I want more money, a partner, to be married, more clients, etc. We want these things and yet do we? If we really wanted them then why don’t we have them coming into our lives? Because somewhere in our consciousness or unconsciousness we have a set of ideas, beliefs or rules that create a state of lack (versus abundance).
To start uncovering how we keep ourselves in a mindset of lack we can ask ourselves what is it that we want. Having wants that are attached to a sense of lack creates a chasm between attracting what we want and possessing them in our lives. There is nothing wrong with having “wants” in and of themselves. It is trying to pursue wants from a state of lack – I don’t have them and therefore I cannot be happy until I get them.
The process of releasing our feelings or sense of lack involves these steps, which are abbreviated here:
- What is it that I want?
- What feelings (frustration, I am not creating what I want) come up in respect to this want?
- Am I willing to release these feelings?
- If so, let go of those feelings (this may take multiple iterations).
- Pay attention to any resistance you have to letting go of those feelings; repeat steps 2-4 on these deeper feelings.
- Now continue to pursue your wants while staying conscious of *feelings.
- Repeat steps 1-6 as often as you feel it will benefit.
*Are there deeper feelings coming up (*fear, I may fail if I try) related to a lack of receiving your wants. This fear can directly sabotage our creating what we want, because we avoid or resist at the same time so as to not feel the fear.
This is an abridged version of this process. What could you do if you had support in creating what you want? Are you ready to create more of what you want. Contact Ted Mersino at or (541) 515-4133.
We are all leading all the time in how we live our lives. Many of us look at leadership as a role we take on when we “manage” others or when we have “subordinates”. We lead by how we live our lives. We lead by how we show up (or not).
What do I mean by showing up? Showing up looks like being present with our energy and our mental awareness. It looks like being as clear as we are capable in the moment – with ourselves and with others. It is self honoring. Speaking the truth when the truth needs to be spoken, regardless of how popular.
In what I have seen, powerful and impacting living comes from the intention to show up, in the moment and fully engaged.
What is your intention for your life? Show up, engage and get in the game. Stretch your view of who you can be and take a risk to show up in a whole new way.
We can try to deny a situation (and ourselves). We can hope it goes away by itself . Or we can open ourselves to the situation, learn and take away all that we can.
One way or the other, on the road of life we will encounter obstacles. Sometimes obstacles will seem small and easily overcome. At other times, well, life has a way of getting our attention.
Honoring both new beginnings and endings in our lives is important. In my experience we are much better at giving our attention to new beginnings and celebrations than we are at acknowledging the significance of endings (and loss).
We are much more likely to hear and celebrate someone getting a new job, pay raise or car than we are of a loss of job, demotion or car accident. Sure, some big incidence such as death are honored, but by and large we don’t stop to honor the mourning period as our body and emotions need it.
When you have a significant loss in your life, stop and acknowledge that loss. Allow yourself to feel that loss. It is healthy. Give it time to pass through your body instead of trying to brush it under the rug. As the energy passes you can move on naturally.