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Self Awareness

Too Much To Do?

What is too much to do? Is it possible it is a way of looking at what we want to do, what we feel we need to do?
I experience occasions, sometimes more often than others, a sense of having too much to do. Getting into this space can also lead to an experience of overwhelm. When I find myself in this situation I have learned to step back and reassess my “list of too much to do” items.

One simple strategy I use to elevate the feeling of too much to do or overwhelm is to stop and re-evaluate what I want to do. I do this by making a list on paper of everything that I have been holding in my head. Just this one step often provides great relief.

The second step is to begin to prioritize the things on my list. I prioritize by putting a 1 next to the items I feel are the most important items for me to complete first. If that is a short list I might then go ahead and prioritize some of the items as a 2. Most of the time this gives me plenty of work to do in the near future. To keep from falling back into the too much to do trap I perform this little exercise 2-3 days a week, based on what I need that particular week.

Learn & Grow

Ted Mersino works with individuals and groups to develop the skills and abilities to create more of what they want in their life. Contact Ted today for a free consultation at ted (at) pivotalgrowth.com or 541-515-4133.

Self Flagellation

Self flagellation is not a commitment to change. It may be an unconscious commitment to staying the same.

Learn. Grow. Change.

Change & Overwhelm – 5 Suggestions

The stock market crashing, losing a job or a good friend – can all be a significant events in our lives, significant change and they can all trigger a sense of overload or overwhelm.

Change is one constant we can all depend upon. We may not always know the time variable of change, but we can be certain of it. A potential outcome of change is a sense of overwhelm.

Overwhelm as I am using it here refers to a sense of emotional overload. We are experiencing so much change or information (e.g., grief, sadness, fear) that we feel overloaded or overwhelmed.

Experiencing a sense of overwhelm does not need to be a lasting feeling or much less than a fleeting feeling. There are things we can consciously choose that help us move through overwhelm. Here are five (5) suggestions for shifting out of overwhelm.

  1. Focus on the facts versus a story (making up one or buying into that of another).
  2. Stay in the moment, where we work best (versus getting worried about what might happen).
  3. Identify steps you can take (if any) to better the situation.
  4. Create a plan if there are several steps you can take
  5. Focus on the 2-3 highest priority action steps you can take and tackle those first.

Ted Mersino works with individuals and groups to develop the skills and abilities to create more of what they want in their life. Contact Ted today for a free consultation ted (at) pivotalgrowth.com or 541-515-4133.

 

 

Gratitude Made Easy

Our family has a 9-10 year old female corgi/golden retriever mix. We got her from the shelter 2 years ago and she has turned out to be a great dog for us. This afternoon when I returned home she met me half way up the stairs as I was coming down. When we reached the bottom she gave me a quick bark. Roughly translated, I need to go out and I want you to take me.

And then this is when it gets good. Once she gets the signal that I am going to take her out (I get the leash) she gets all excited and starts jumping around with all kinds of enthusiasm. You would think she was getting the biggest juiciest piece of steak in the world (though she could not chew it if she did), but no, she is getting to go outside to relieve herself. In her excitement she is letting me now how much she appreciates me taking her out.

What a great expression of gratitude. And a great side effect, regardless of my mood prior to that moment, I get a smile on my face.

Gratitude. It does not have to be hard. It can actually be FUN.

Developing an Attitude for Success – 5 Steps

Is attitude everything? Does our attitude define how we experience life, relationships and success in all areas of our life.  I would say it is not everything – but it determines a great deal of what we experience in our lives. A great deal.

I would describe attitude as our disposition, our way of being in the world based on thoughts, ideas and behaviors that are rooted in beliefs about ourselves and the world.

We spend a significant amount of time in school and in programs that teach of the technical aspects of life, which we need as a society to continue to progress. In the area of attitude, the behavioral sciences, we tend to spend significant less time. Learning about our attitude and how to possibly change it is left primarily to the individual.

As adults we can reevaluate the thoughts, ideas and beliefs we have developed that impact our attitude and therefore our life. We can take full responsibility for our attitude. We can choose to become conscious by stepping back to identify our thoughts, ideas and beliefs. In that awareness we have the opportunity to continue to live by those thoughts, ideas and beliefs or choose new ones.

To make these changes in attitude here are 5 steps (based loosely on the Dicken’s Technique, popularized by Anthony Robbins):

  1. Choosing to Become Conscious – as simple as this sounds, many of us walk around in a state of semi-consciousness. We developed our beliefs at such a young age we are no longer aware of their existence. So the first steps is to choose to be aware. As we go about our day or we taking time out to become aware, we can check in with ourselves. How am I acting. What am I thinking. What is my mood.
  2. Identifying Beliefs – As we observe ourselves we have an opportunity to ask what must I believe in order to act this way, think these thoughts or to be in this mood. We could ask why we believe what we believe or what happened in our lives to develop this belief but that is less important than identifying the belief itself. What is the belief (e.g., financial abundance is bad, being skinny is good, being nice is good, conflict is bad).
  3. Evaluating the Cost or Benefit – Once we have become aware of a belief the next question is – does the belief benefit my life. Does this belief make my life better. Do I feel better in my life with this belief. If you are not feeling better by holding this belief then there is most likely a cost to holding the belief.
  4. Decision on Change – The next question is, for those beliefs that cost you in your life, are you willing to change those beliefs. This is an important point because we can want something different but not be willing to do something about it. Change can take effort and courage. Our beliefs can affect our whole lives and our relationships. The deciding factor though is the cost and possibly the pain caused by the belief. Are we willing to continue to pay the price or would we like our beliefs to serve to make our life better.
  5. Anchoring the Change 
  • In order to really make a deep and lasting change to our beliefs we need to replace the existing belief with something new, something that serves us in our lives versus something that cost us. So the first thing you want to do is really get clear on the cost and to really feel that cost. To really feel the cost of that belief both now and in the future. One year from now, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years – what is the cost over time.
  • After you have allowed yourself to really feel the cost of the belief you turn it around and do the opposite. What if you changed the belief. What could your life look like if you no longer had the belief. How might you feel. What good things might you attract into your life. Really feel those good feelings.

If you have really allowed yourself to follow these steps, investing particular attention in step 5, you should feel a difference in how you hold yourself and your future. This is a powerful process that you can use to change any belief and thus change your attitude and thus your opportunity for success.

From Avoidance to Great Satisfaction – 5 Steps

Fear, it can feel so debilitating or overwhelming, creating avoidance in our lives. There are times when fear and avoidance is good. It keeps us from getting hurt in some way (e.g., stepping in front of a moving vehicle), physically or mentally. And then there are those situations when avoidance can be debilitating and we need to do the thing we are afraid anyway.

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Take for example a conflict at work or in your family. Someone has spoken something to a third party that is either not true or negative, without benefit to anyone and likely hurtful consequences to someone. Addressing a situation like this could be very scary for some people. In other words, addressing conflict=BAD. And yet, leaving this situation unaddressed is very likely more hurtful to everyone involved. It is negative and only lowers the energy of those that are affected and even beyond.

Stepping up and facing into our fears (versus avoiding) in these situations can turn the fear into positive influence, such as re-establishing integrity, building trust, reducing negative influences and developing the courage to take of ourselves. There are many other examples we could mention in the home or at work. It is about facing into the fear that is tide to doing what is right, not what is easy.

Here are 5 steps to make it easier to address situations you may be avoiding.

1. Stop and be willing to acknowledge and be in integrity with your fear.

2. Look to see if you have made up a story about the situation that is making the fear bigger than it needs to be (e.g., she will just turn me down if I ask her out…I am not good enough for her…she is so much better looking than me, etc., etc.,).

3. Now remove the story from the situation. Look at the facts of the situation.

4. Ask yourself how might I feel about myself if I don’t step into and through my fear. If you are honest you will see you would likely feel less confident, less secure, less than, etc.

5. Now ask yourself how you might feel if you do step into your fear and this situation. Again, if you are honest with yourself you will acknowledge that you might feel more self respect, more confident, more capable, etc.

Although this is not a step, it is one of the most important things I can share with you regarding this process. There is no failure.

Regardless of what you choose to do, it is only information. Do it, don’t do it, do it and it feels hard or gets messy. These are all outcomes that we can learn from – versus judging ourselves as good or bad. Keep this in mind, it is a powerful principle in life’s journey.

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Creating What We Want – Four Steps

Many of us spend a significant amount of our energy “not wanting things to be the way they are”. We want it to be different. It can start out looking like “I want X and I don’t have it and I cannot create it”. For example, “I want more business and I don’t have it”, “I want to be skinnier and to look better”, “I want to be noticed by others,  I feel ignored”, etc., etc.

Each of these statements, these wants that we continue to hold onto are like boat anchors. As long as we hold onto to them, we create a resistance within our selves to creating what we want. If we can let go of the feelings associated with these wants we will release the energy we are bottling up keeping these wants in place. We can have a want and let go of the “need” or “should” that we attach to the want. Have the want and let it go.

Four Steps to Release Your Resistance:

1. Identify something that you have acquired some emotional attachment to.

2. Now allow yourself to really feel the feelings associated with this want.

3. Now ask yourself if you are willing to let go of this want, or the need or should associated with this want.

4. If so, purposefully let go of the feelings related to this want.

By following these steps you release the energy which you bottle up to hold onto this need or should. By releasing that energy you now have more energy to do what you want in your life.

I have adapted my approach from Hale Dwoskin and his book “The Sedona Method, Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success, Peace and Emotional Well-being.” This is a great book and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in living a happier and more successful life.

Enjoy Achieving Goals by Releasing Attachment

Enjoy Achieving Goals by Releasing Attachment. When I first came across this idea I was in a bit of disbelief. In my mind, you set a goal and then you pull out all the stops to achieve it. It may cause pain, it may even cost you relationships – but if you are worth your salt you achieve your goals.

I would talk to my one time mentor about this pain I had in my chest. I felt run down, sad and depressed. I was achieving plenty in my life and, at the same time feeling empty. The analogy he gave me was that a bow needs to be unstrung periodically or it will loose it’s potency. It will have nothing left to give.

What I came to see is that I held goals as things “I had to achieve”. I had become so attached to them that they defined me, my happiness and sense of self.  It was not a choice, but a must. I needed them, had to have them, should be achieving them or – I FAILED.

What I want you to get, you can have a goal and pursue it with all the same zest but without the possessiveness. Set your goals and let them go. Follow your intuition and do those things that you feel in the moment will move you the most in the direction of your goals (but without the stick that says I am so attached to achieving this goal I will need to flog myself if I don’t achieve it).

Allow their to be flow, the natural up and down movement forward of the waves in the ocean. If you find yourself stopped in the movement of your goal it might be time to move on to things that do inspire you.

Does this concept make sense to you? Have you held goals in a similar or different way? What is your story?

When Persistence Pays Off

I have always prided myself on having persistence, tenacity. I see both of those qualities as valuable to me creating what I want in my life. When I have come to find though, with both of these qualities, is that they can have a great deal more impact when they have a very clear boundary and focus.

For example, a man is planting new grass in his lawn. He buys the right amount of seed for the job and sets out throwing the seed around his lawn. Over the weeks to follow he notices that his lawn is not nearly as thick as the manufacturer of the seed he purchased proclaimed. So he purchases more seed and repeats the seeding process by throwing the seed around his lawn. Again, the results are negligible compared to the manufacturers claims on the bag. In his persistence he repeats the process all over again.

After his third application of the grass seed his neighbor stops over and she thanks him making her lawn so much thicker and richer. The man did not understand as his only intent along with his persistence was to improve his own lawn. Seeing his perplexed look she goes on to share what she observed.

You have great persistence in trying to improve your lawn, but your boundaries (focus) for applying the seed was flawed. I saw you throwing the seed to the wind. Sure enough, some of the seed went on your lawn, but much more landed in your driveway, on my lawn and in the street by way of the NE wind. Throwing the seed into the wind may have some impact on your lawn but not nearly the same impact you would get with a more focused application of the seed that hits your target, in this case your lawn.

Whether you are looking for a job, additional clients, better relationships, etc., narrow down what you really want, why you want it, learn as much as you can about it (even as you are going for it) and then stick to that specific set of prospective clients, companies, relationship and so on.

Yes there may be low hanging fruit out there, but in my experience, the low hanging fruit comes from the relationship you have developed, which can take persistence but also focus (authenticity, integrity, etc.).

Self Sabotage & Passive Aggression

Not Just Your Typical Post!

When I think of “passive aggressive behavior” I think of behaviors between two or more people. It can be a spoken or unspoken attempt to control another individual, with the purpose of affecting the outcome that is wanted or unwanted.

But what if it is possible to be passive aggressive towards ourselves? To try and manipulate ourselves in that same hostile and controlling way.

Consider those situations you want to do something and yet you do not do it. I am talking about things you really want. What I have found is that some or many of the things we want to do but do not do are the outcome of  unconscious resistance to ourselves. On the surface we say we want something and yet deeper down, in our unconscious we do not want to risk experiencing the thing or situation.

I can say I want a better paying job, a better relationship, to move to a new area, more clients, etc., but if I am afraid of the outcome, say rejection, I may not move forward to get those things in my life.

So on one hand we are telling ourselves we really want something and at the same time we are resisting and possibly passive aggressively flogging ourselves for not doing it. We have passive aggression interactions with others because we want or don’t want something. We can do the same thing to ourselves. The outcome: we create hurt and pain within ourselves (even if we are not aware of it)!

So what do we do about this passive aggressive behavior toward ourselves? Own it. And I don’t mean the own it in your head, I am talking about owning that we don’t want to do it at the head, heard and soul levels. This level of ownership opens the door to real change (and healing). Sit with your resistance as long as you need in order to fully feel it – not just think it. Own that you want this thing or situation but at the same time and perhaps even stronger you don’t want it (because of the possible outcome that may not be what we want it to be).

Once we fully own, at a heart level, that we are holding ourselves back – then we have taken the power back from our unconscious tendency toward passive aggressive resistance. Now we have a chance of stepping beyond our own passive aggressive resistance toward creating more of what you want in your life. Now we can consciously choose to do or not do something. Try it.

  1. Look at what “want” you have had for some time.
  2. Have you been putting it off, if so, look deeper for avoidance which is also a “don’t want”
  3. Stop & fully own that resistance and speak it out loud.
  4. Step forward and honor your want
  5. Now decide consciously if you still want this thing or situation and own that decision
  6. Now either let it go or decide what step you could take today, tomorrow or next week to get this want in your life.