Fear, it can feel so debilitating or overwhelming, creating avoidance in our lives. There are times when fear and avoidance is good. It keeps us from getting hurt in some way (e.g., stepping in front of a moving vehicle), physically or mentally. And then there are those situations when avoidance can be debilitating and we need to do the thing we are afraid anyway.
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Take for example a conflict at work or in your family. Someone has spoken something to a third party that is either not true or negative, without benefit to anyone and likely hurtful consequences to someone. Addressing a situation like this could be very scary for some people. In other words, addressing conflict=BAD. And yet, leaving this situation unaddressed is very likely more hurtful to everyone involved. It is negative and only lowers the energy of those that are affected and even beyond.
Stepping up and facing into our fears (versus avoiding) in these situations can turn the fear into positive influence, such as re-establishing integrity, building trust, reducing negative influences and developing the courage to take of ourselves. There are many other examples we could mention in the home or at work. It is about facing into the fear that is tide to doing what is right, not what is easy.
Here are 5 steps to make it easier to address situations you may be avoiding.
1. Stop and be willing to acknowledge and be in integrity with your fear.
2. Look to see if you have made up a story about the situation that is making the fear bigger than it needs to be (e.g., she will just turn me down if I ask her out…I am not good enough for her…she is so much better looking than me, etc., etc.,).
3. Now remove the story from the situation. Look at the facts of the situation.
4. Ask yourself how might I feel about myself if I don’t step into and through my fear. If you are honest you will see you would likely feel less confident, less secure, less than, etc.
5. Now ask yourself how you might feel if you do step into your fear and this situation. Again, if you are honest with yourself you will acknowledge that you might feel more self respect, more confident, more capable, etc.
Although this is not a step, it is one of the most important things I can share with you regarding this process. There is no failure.
Regardless of what you choose to do, it is only information. Do it, don’t do it, do it and it feels hard or gets messy. These are all outcomes that we can learn from – versus judging ourselves as good or bad. Keep this in mind, it is a powerful principle in life’s journey.
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Many of us spend a significant amount of our energy “not wanting things to be the way they are”. We want it to be different. It can start out looking like “I want X and I don’t have it and I cannot create it”. For example, “I want more business and I don’t have it”, “I want to be skinnier and to look better”, “I want to be noticed by others, I feel ignored”, etc., etc.
Each of these statements, these wants that we continue to hold onto are like boat anchors. As long as we hold onto to them, we create a resistance within our selves to creating what we want. If we can let go of the feelings associated with these wants we will release the energy we are bottling up keeping these wants in place. We can have a want and let go of the “need” or “should” that we attach to the want. Have the want and let it go.
Four Steps to Release Your Resistance:
1. Identify something that you have acquired some emotional attachment to.
2. Now allow yourself to really feel the feelings associated with this want.
3. Now ask yourself if you are willing to let go of this want, or the need or should associated with this want.
4. If so, purposefully let go of the feelings related to this want.
By following these steps you release the energy which you bottle up to hold onto this need or should. By releasing that energy you now have more energy to do what you want in your life.
I have adapted my approach from Hale Dwoskin and his book “The Sedona Method, Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success, Peace and Emotional Well-being.” This is a great book and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in living a happier and more successful life.
The idea of creating my own time seemed foreign to me when I originally heard of it. We have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks in a year. How do I create more time.
Let’s take what cost us time first. I have a list of 10 things I want to get done. I prioritize them based on the sense of urgency I feel toward each of those items. Sense of urgency equaling the potential for pain I might feel if I don’t get something done. Simple enough right? No. Yes, some of those urgent things may give you an increase in energy, but quite often the urgent things are a drain on our system. Going out on a limb a bit further, I might add that always putting the urgent things first can turn into a habit, a perpetual cycle.
Now let’s look at our 10 things that we want to get done from the stand point of what will give me a return on my time ©. For me, writing this blog post gives me a boost. I don’t write my blog because I have to write it. I write it because it aligns with my purpose, my direction in life. And when I do write in my blog, my energy level goes up and I have more energy to do those things that I want to get done. In a sense, I have compressed what I can get done into a smaller time frame because I have increased my energy to do what I want to do.
By doing the things that energize us we are investing in our energy thereby increasing it and what we can get done – which results in a return on our time.
My 5 Steps for Creating Time
- Create a list of things you want to do (daily, every other day, weekly, etc.)
- Now prioritize the items on your list based on which items will give you the most energy.
- Start each day working on those things at the top of your list (those energy building task).
- Mid-way through your day evaluate your energy level and your list. Would you get more done continuing to do those high energy activities or would it feel right to switch and get an urgent item off your list? Make a decision and do that thing.
- Periodically take note of your energy level. When you find your energy level dropping ask yourself what it is you really want to be doing now.
I do not see this as a time management technique. I see it as an energy expanding technique that has an investment affect on our time, of creating more time for us to do what I want to do.
Give it a try for a week and let me know in the comments. Or email me your thoughts and reactions at .
Enjoy Achieving Goals by Releasing Attachment. When I first came across this idea I was in a bit of disbelief. In my mind, you set a goal and then you pull out all the stops to achieve it. It may cause pain, it may even cost you relationships – but if you are worth your salt you achieve your goals.
I would talk to my one time mentor about this pain I had in my chest. I felt run down, sad and depressed. I was achieving plenty in my life and, at the same time feeling empty. The analogy he gave me was that a bow needs to be unstrung periodically or it will loose it’s potency. It will have nothing left to give.
What I came to see is that I held goals as things “I had to achieve”. I had become so attached to them that they defined me, my happiness and sense of self. It was not a choice, but a must. I needed them, had to have them, should be achieving them or – I FAILED.
What I want you to get, you can have a goal and pursue it with all the same zest but without the possessiveness. Set your goals and let them go. Follow your intuition and do those things that you feel in the moment will move you the most in the direction of your goals (but without the stick that says I am so attached to achieving this goal I will need to flog myself if I don’t achieve it).
Allow their to be flow, the natural up and down movement forward of the waves in the ocean. If you find yourself stopped in the movement of your goal it might be time to move on to things that do inspire you.
Does this concept make sense to you? Have you held goals in a similar or different way? What is your story?